Back to the blog

John Lennon once sang "Life is what happens to you when you're busy ignoring your blog."

Or, y'know, something like that.

In any case, it's been well over a month since I last wrote and you can generally assume that I haven't written because I've been busy.  First it was preparing for Passover (spring cleaning with a deadline, as my mom likes to describe it), complete with making my very first seder.  Then it was actually Passover, which was surprisingly busy. Then it was full-tilt concert preparation, hard core apartment hunting, New York State teacher's licencing tests, applying for graduate school, and a few other obligations.  Thankfully, most of the hard work of the last two months appears to be paying off.

Big news number 1: I made it through my first really, truly, honest-to-goodness, did-it-all-by-myself Pesach!  Passover is one of those holidays that requires so much work and has so many laws, traditions, and procedures associated with it that I avoided "making Pesach" whenever I could.  As a college student, I either went home for the holiday or stayed with my aunt and uncle. Even in my apartment last year I ate as many meals as I could elsewhere so I didn't actually have to buy new food, new dishes, or cover my countertops.  This year, however, I couldn't get out of it.  Not only that, but I was also making a small seder for three for the first night.  Thankfully I think I pulled it off, and it wasn't even quite as scary as I thought it might be.

Big news number 2: We found a new apartment!  Although our current apartment is a total steal in NYC and the hubby is a block away from work, the neighborhood leaves something to be desired. Since finding a synagogue and community that has yet to disappoint me, we started looking for an apartment closer to that neighborhood.  It was a long and arduous search, but I am happy to announce we found a place only a few blocks from shul and we're signing the lease on Tuesday.

Big news number 3: My spring concerts for the Pre-K through 3rd grade classes at my school has been a source of great stress for me the last few weeks, but after a few hours of very successful rehearsals on Friday, I'm actually looking quite forward to them.  The theme is "Music Through the Decades," and each class has a song to represent a particular genre and decade.  Early American folk, 30s swing, 60s R&B, 70s pop, 80s hard rock, you name it.  The kids have worked so hard, and after hearing them on stage I am extremely excited for the performances next week.  Admittedly, though, I'm not sure if I'm primarily excited for the concerts or for them to be done.  Either way, I'm looking forward to it.

Big news number 4: Applied for grad school.  Will hopefully get in.  Will keep you updated.

Tonight after Shabbat I had every intention of finally tackling some of the house chores that I have been putting off for the last two weeks, but somehow I'm sitting at the computer instead.  For the first time in two months I'm feeling like things are actually under control, and I am so chilled that even the piles of laundry on the floor aren't bothering me.  It'll all get done. The worst of it is over. And pretty soon, I'll be able to relax in a brand new place to call home.

The Countdown

In the wee hours of December 16th, it occurs to me that my wedding is now less than two weeks away.  In 13 days, 12 hours, and 15 minutes (less by the time I finish writing this), I will be standing under the  chuppah with at least three rabbis and the man who will be my husband.

For as momentous an occasion as this is, the weeks leading up to it have their own events and related stress.  Today I performed in a Brooklyn Symphony Orchestra concert.  This week I have three nights of elementary school concerts, then we're flying back to the Midwest for a week with our families and some last minute wedding prep.  With everything else going on it's almost hard to remember how big of a deal this really is.

13 days, 12 hours, 9 minutes.

I've already told a handful of classes at school that when we return from our winter break in January they will be calling me by a new name.  The youngest ones are excitedly trying out the new name, seeing how it feels on their tongue and proving to themselves they can remember what I've told them.  The older students - girls in particular - understand what the name change means and have also started calling me by the name I won't officially use for another 13 days, 12 hours, and 30 minutes (or so). It makes me smile every time.

I can't really figure out why I'm writing this at...[checking clock]...1:06 in the morning.  Maybe it's just a way of telling myself that there's a reason I can't fall asleep.  Or maybe I'm just awake enough to be thinking of everything that has to get done but too tired to coherently do anything about it.  Whatever the case, the fact remains:

I'm getting married.

This is happening.

13 days, 12 hours.

Sun spots

Every so often, I happen upon Clara sitting in the kitchen in a pool of sunlight that has sneaked through the clouds, between the tall buildings, and into our window.  My first thought is always "Why is she sitting in the middle of the kitchen?" but I quickly notice the brightly lit rectangle in which she has placed herself and I dismiss my initially absurd question.

At home, my dog used to do the same thing around the house.  You could often find her curled up in splashes of warm afternoon sun, oblivious to the world.  I know that a lot of animals do this, and it makes sense.  If the sun is shining, go sit in it!  But sometimes I'm envious of the way Clara can just wander around until she finds the warmest part of the floor, hunker down, and enjoy it for as long as it lasts.  Wouldn't it be nice if we could all do that just as easily?

Well, after much searching and waiting, I think I have finally found my sun spot.

My last job as a music teacher ended in June and until last week I was unemployed.  Originally I had thought surely I would have a job by the beginning of the school year in September.  Throughout the spring and summer I applied for a multitude of teaching positions, hoping desperately that I might be able to use my music education degree to its full extent here in New York.  But the pickings were slim and, more frustrating than that, agonizingly slow to materialize.  At the very end of August I was finally offered a part time after school position.  Minimal hours, decent pay, challenging school environment, but teaching music nonetheless.  I knew I still needed something in addition to the 8.15 hours I would be paid there, but I was at least happy to have something.

A few days later, I got a call for a general music position that I had been pursuing for months.  I was ecstatic to finally have clinched that one, but I'd still have to wait nearly a month to do a demonstration lesson for the principal and the program directors.  In the meantime, I calculated that I would have less than 17 hours a week of classroom teaching, and I knew I'd need a little bit more.  Not even because of the money, but just to keep myself occupied.

So I sat around and twiddled my thumbs for a few weeks, waiting for one program to start and for the date of the demo lesson to arrive.  I was happy I'd have some work, but I was frustrated by both the lack of positions in my field (especially since I really wanted to teach in a string program) and the astonishingly slow pace with which everything was moving forward.  While I was sitting around, students had already started school and I wondered "Why aren't these music programs starting, too?"  Apparently this is one of those New York things.

Then, a week before my demonstration lesson, I got a call about a school that needed a string teacher twice a week for 10 hours total.  Oh my goodness, yes! I thought.  This is what I want!  And I could probably do this in addition to the other two programs, so long as we could organize the schedule correctly.  I immediately called for an interview, we set one up for the following Monday, and it went very well.  It looked like I was well on my way to having three jobs at three different schools, but doing what I love.  Hard work, to be sure, but I was excited nonetheless.

Two days later was the demonstration lesson.  It went swimmingly.  Afterward I was shooed away so the principal and the program coordinators could talk behind my back, and later that day I got an email from one of the coordinators.

"The principal wants you to teach 16 classes."

Twice what we had first discussed.

Crap.

Somehow in the span of a week, I went from worrying that I wouldn't have enough hours to being offered an overabundance of classes to teach.  I may have been pushing it thinking I could teach at three schools every week - an after school program for around 9 hours, 8 classes at one school during the day twice a week, and 10 classes at another twice a week - but add another 8 classes to that and I knew it was past my limit.  Thankfully, I had a few days of Jewish Holidays to think about it before any decisions had to be made.

Throughout the holidays on Thursday and Friday, plus Shabbat, I didn't know what to do.  And what's more, I felt frustrated.  Why was I told something at the last minute that would force me to decline something else that I so desperately wanted to do?  Why was this all happening at the same time?  Why wasn't it easier?!

But when I told people about my situation, many of them noted the overwhelmingly positive aspect of my circumstances.  Unlike a month prior, I had plenty to choose from!  I had options, and the people offering them to me really wanted me to work for them!  So shouldn't I be happy?

Well, today I talked with one of the program coordinators for the school that wanted 16 classes a week.  We spoke at length about the situation and he sympathized with my circumstances.  He knew what I wanted, he knows where my educational passions lie, and we figured it out.  By the time I made the decision to decline the string teaching position, I was confident I was making the right choice.

Once I made the decision, I immediately felt better.  I felt as if I had chosen the best option, not only for me but for the adults and students involved.  I'm confident that in the next few years I'll get other opportunities to teach strings, and I'm incredibly happy to be working for this particular organization for my first year in New York.  It took a while, but I think things finally settled in the way it's supposed to be.  I found my own little sunspot, and I'm going to enjoy it as long as I can.

Gainful Employment

After months of searching, resume submissions, cover letters, emails, and the occasional interview, I have finally landed a job!  Before you start getting too excited and congratulatory, I'd like to temper it by saying that this is a part time, after school job which will amount to fewer than 10 hours a week.  Still, it's a job in my field which will allow me to use my specific skill set with almost complete curricular freedom.

I'll be working in a public school in Manhattan which works with an outside organization to provide "extended day" school (a well-attended after-school program which extends the standard school day until 6:00 PM).  I was originally interviewed for the position of Community Educator, an entry-level position which would have placed me and a colleague with a specific classroom to work with them every day after school from 3:00 to 6:00.  After the final round of interviews I received a call from the organizer offering me a choice between the Community Educator position and that of an Activities Specialist: fewer hours a week, but greater pay per hour and would allow me to specifically teach music to students in grades K-2.  After some deliberation I decided that although I would not make as much per week as a specialist it was a far better career opportunity, so I took it.

I'm excited for this position for a variety of reasons.  One wonderful feature of the job is that I can pretty much teach whatever I'd like.  There is no curriculum set out, no specific objectives that the students must achieve, no expectations about concerts or other performances.  This freedom is exhilarating because it means that I can finally focus on musical concepts that I have, up until now, found very challenging to teach within the context of a standard school music program.  Namely composition and improvisation.  Without having a concert to prepare for (at least not one that's already scheduled), I can use this as a learning opportunity for me in addition to an exciting and fun class for the students.  Besides, the students already have a music teacher during the school day, so I want to be sure I'm not stepping on the other teacher's toes and focusing on exactly the same things she is.

The other reasons I'm excited for this position have much more to do with me than with the kids.  Call me selfish, but I'm excited to be getting out of the apartment, using my degree and experience in a productive way, making a little money, and hopefully making some friends.  Apparently there is research to support this kind of need for personal fulfillment, for when I looked up "gainfully employed" to make sure I was, in fact, spelling it correctly, I found a Wikipedia article all about it:

Gainful employment is a positive psychology concept that explores the benefits of work and employment. Second only to personal relationships, work is the most important determinant of quality of life.^[1][2] Over 7,855 articles were published on job satisfaction between the years of 1976-2000.

Turns out I'm not being selfish after all.  Upon reading this article, I learned that gainful employment is not just about making money; it's about job satisfaction, fulfillment, and all the other personal needs that a good occupation addresses.  While being employed might just mean "getting paid to do a job," gainful employment is about the kind of work that makes you want to go to work, the kind of job that makes you happy, and the kind of environment in which you enjoy growth, responsibility, empowerment, and positive relationships.

Thinking about my employment history it's easy for me to separate the jobs from the gainful employment.  Working at a grocery store part time?  A job.  I went, I worked, I got paid.  But every single time I had the opportunity to teach - whether I was making money or not - I felt that I was doing something worthwhile for my students, my colleagues, my superiors, and myself.

The Wikipedia article lists nine components of this particular brand of employment, and they are as follows:

1. Variety in duties performed
2. Safe working environment
3. Income for family and oneself
4. A purpose derived from providing a product or service
5. Happiness and satisfaction
6. Positive engagement and involvement
7. A sense of performing well and meeting goals
8. Friendships at work
9. An environment that respects and appreciates diversity

 I was surprised to read some of the items on this list.  For instance, the fact that the first component listed is "Variety in duties performed" seems odd to me from the perspective of an employee, especially one who has worked a number of jobs that had very few duties to perform.  Yet thinking about my best jobs, especially those in teaching, I realize that all of them included a wide variety of duties to perform, and instead of constantly feeling burdened or overwhelmed by the things I had to do, I was generally happy that going to work meant something a little different every day.  Or what about "Friendships at work"?  No wonder I've hated the summer jobs where I didn't get along well with my coworkers, even if my superiors and the customers were pleasant and enjoyable to work with.

Reading this list makes me consider not just my own employment history and career, but work in general.  In movies, television, media, and sitting at the bar on a Saturday night, people are often quick to complain about their jobs.  In college, my classmates working part-time jobs to pay for rent and tuition regularly groaned about their horrible bosses, the agonizingly mundane tasks they had to perform, the crappy hours, and all the other issues inherent in being at the bottom of the work ladder.  "But at least I have a job," they'd say, and it was true because without the money they made from that job, they couldn't have been studying to get the education necessary to ultimately make them gainfully employed.  Still, I have to wonder: is it worth it?

Is it worth it to work your tail off doing something you dislike as a means to an end?  Is it worth it to spend a third of your waking hours just waiting to leave?  Is it worth it to downright hate what you're doing and allow yourself to be unhappy and frustrated, even if the money made from that minimum wage job is an absolute necessity?

The fact of the matter is, sometimes we can't avoid working a job we don't like, which is rather sad when you consider how much of our lives are spent at our jobs and how desperately many of us need something, anything to pay for the other necessities in life.  So maybe the onus is on the higher ups, the bosses and supervisors and CEOs, to make sure their employees are, in fact, gainfully employed.  I don't know. I certainly can't provide a solution to the quagmire.  All I can do is ask questions.  So I ask...

Are you gainfully employed? 

"Too much time on my hands"

It's a darn good thing Jews don't subscribe to the concept of the Seven Deadly Sins, because if we did I would undoubtedly be guilty of sloth.  I certainly wouldn't want my watching an entire season of a show on Netflix over the course of a few days to be the cause of some Divine wrath.  Besides, I don't think our renters insurance would cover the couch if it were mysteriously struck by lightening on a perfectly sunny day.

Since I was 15, I have always had a job or been a full-time student, and sometimes both concurrently.  Every summer I have had at least a part-time job, typically working between 20 and 35 hours a week which is just enough to keep one occupied.  This summer, for the first time, I am unoccupied.  Sure, moving was a big deal and the weeks surrounding the  move were hectic and busy, but now that everything is unpacked, organized, filed away, and set in its appropriate place, I find myself without a whole lot to do.

"But it's New York!" you implore.  Yes, yes. New York City, center of the universe (bonus points if you can identify the song I just alluded to), but I seem to be suffering from the same malady which affects so many of today's youth:  "I'm booooorrred.  There's nothing to DO.  Ugh."

It's hot and sticky again outside and quite frankly I'd much rather hang out on the couch in front of a fan or the air conditioning instead of venturing to the subway where the stagnant heat is amplified to an impressive impersonation of a warm oven.  And sure, it might be a small price to pay for the reward of lounging in a library or a coffee shop or under a shaded tree in the park, but it always comes back to the same old excuse - that I simply don't want to.

Don't get me wrong, I have things to do around here, and I've been doing them.  Laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, cooking, more grocery shopping, more cooking.  I'm actually finding that I kind of enjoy participating in these very domestic activities.  They're comforting.  Making a home feel like a home is comforting.  Walking out to brush shoulders with silent strangers is not quite as comforting.

I keep hoping this is a temporary thing, but my job hunt over the past couple months has, so far, been disheartening.  The application-to-response ratio is less than ideal, and the application-to-interview ratio is even worse.  Being a young and relatively inexperienced teacher is challenging enough as it is when everyone seems to want "Two years of experience, required," but being a young, inexperienced teacher in a field that is rapidly dissipating in public schools is even worse.  I want to be a music teacher.  Specifically, I want to be a strings teacher for a school orchestra.  Not only are there an aggravatingly small  number of jobs in that field, but they're disappearing before our eyes as schools are forced to focus more on the core subjects of math and English Language Arts (ELA).

This could be a rant about the state of music education in today's schools, but I'll leave that for another day.  For the moment I'm just frustrated at my lack of occupation and afraid of how long this may continue.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find another TV series to get hooked on.

Settling in

I never would have guessed, but a laundromat is actually a rathter pleasant place to write.  I don't have a WiFi connection here so Facebook and Gmail have no hope of distracting me from this document.  The gentle hum of the dryers sends a subtle but noticeable tremor though the chair, and the sloshing churn of the washing machines has a calming effect with its promise of clean laundry.  Surely, there are few pleasures in life more simple than clean laundry: warm sheets, clean shirts, fresh starts.

It's been more than a week since my dad and I landed at La Guardia airport.  I don't know what's changed, but unlike the last time I was here when after a week I wanted nothing more than to be rid of this place, I'm actually feeling rather comfortable this time around.  Dare I say...happy?  Optimistic?  Over the last week I have been fairly productive around the apartment, putting things away and organizing and arranging and making it homey.  I have found a laundromat with inexpensive machines and nice people.  I have gotten into at least one surprisingly pleasant conversation with a couple wonderfully nice strangers and also taken their advice about checking out a nearby free public pool (which features Olympic-length lanes for swimming laps - YAY!  Also - pain).  I have cooked a few really tasty meals for Tomm, including Shabbat dinner last Friday with cholent for lunch on Saturday. 

Since arriving I've had no shortage of free time.  In fact, this is the longest period of time I've gone without being employed since I was in high school (not counting the 5 month Ulpan where I worked part time, even if it wasn't employment, per se).  I've been wondering what will happen come September when teachers and students fill the schools once again.  Will I be among them?  I have sent my resume to dozens of schools and educational programs in response to their job postings, and so far I have only had a couple interviews.  Very few of the postings are for full-time positions, which seems to be the way music education is going these days.  I have no choice but to remain optimistic, yet every so often reality pushes its way into my psyche and reminds me that getting a job as a music teacher, especially as an orchestra teacher, is among the harder things to achieve in today's educational climate and economy.

But it's only the beginning of August, so I still have at least two weeks before I REALLY have to freak out.  Until then, I'll just enjoy having the time to do things around the apartment, go swimming, and cook tasty meals for Tomm.

Part time = full time = all the time

As I begin writing this post, it is 6:49 on Thursday evening and I am still at school.  (I'm writing this here instead of at home because quite frankly I don't want to bring my personal computer back and forth).  I just finished preparing the sub materials for my planned absence at the beginning of next week.  I also got here an hour and a half before my first class this morning to do some other preparation and record-keeping.  Technically, I was only contractually obligated to be at school for less than four hours today, but instead I have put in roughly eight hours of work.  Counting my other job, I have already put in close to 50 hours of work, and it's not even Friday.

This is in no way, shape, or form a complaint.  This is simply a tally.  I am choosing to be here of my own free will and I am happy to be doing the work I'm doing!  I'm also happy to be keeping myself occupied.  Additionally, I come from a family of workaholics so it doesn't surprise me in the least that I am following their lead, but it's interesting to note how much time it really takes to do a job well.  In fact, I was thinking about it:  I have a total of two hours of prep time built into my weekly schedule, but there is absolutely no way in the world I would ever be able to do everything I need to in that time.  Even if I were an experienced teacher I doubt that time would be enough.

Herein lies the great difference between hourly and salaried work.  All my life I have worked as an hourly employee, paid to do my job when I'm there and not paid when I'm not.  In some cases, as in tutoring, extra work I put into planning was also counted on my time sheet and duly reimbursed, so even though the time was outside of my scheduled tutoring hours it was still recognized.

The moment I started my college education I knew that I would never, ever be a "40 hour a week" kind of employee.  Especially as a teacher, the idea of coming in when I'm expected, leaving when the day is done, and doing all my work in the time I'm paid to do it has always seemed absurd.  Of course I'm going to work outside of school!  Of course I'm going to spend free time thinking about lessons and music to do with the kids!  What other option is there?

But I know this is a dangerously slippery slope.  There are teachers who work late into the evenings at school then go home and do more.  They come in on weekends.  They make their work their entire life and feel unsatisfied if every possible thing isn't accomplished (even though it will never all be accomplished).  And while the work is fulfilling -- exceptionally so, -- there is more to life than work.

In the past few weeks I have been trying to find that balance of work and the rest of life.  I have been trying to go to the gym regularly, to spend time with friends.  I even went out dancing one night this week!  I want to try and establish the habit of saving time for myself and the people I care about.  The people outside the school, that is.  I want to be devoted to my job, but I also recognize the importance of having a life that isn't associated with the same stressors and obligations of the thing that gives me my income.

Well, the custodian just came in and is vacuuming my carpet.  I should probably take that as my cue.  Off to the gym!

P.S.  Thanks to everyone who's been commenting on my posts!  I love reading what you have to say, and I always appreciate your support, suggestions, ideas, and response.  Thanks!